Yesterday Mom got me this journal. This morning a scheduler from a surgeon called me to set up an appointment. No one from my PCP’s office had called me to tell me what the problem was or that there was one. I have nodules on my thyroid, (or maybe just A nodule) do we’re going to figure out what to do about it. Part of me honestly wants to have some kind of medical problem to blame all this physical and mental discomfort on. My feet and legs swell so badly it feels like they’re going to burst.
I can’t stop thinking about Orlando. Now that I’m exploring my sexuality and identity I worry what might happen to me, that others will be inspired to take out their hate on us. When marriage equality passed I began to fear a backlash. We inspire a unique brand of hatred. I guess every prejudice has its own special flavor.
But it’s time for me to stop using men to abuse myself and then feeling angry and saying they’re shit. I feel repulsed by the attitude men seem to have towards sex. My own attitude towards sex is fairly negative or avoidant. Mostly I just feel repulsed at the sight and thought of penises. I know I’ve thought differently in the past, but I have realized how toxic and shitty my attitude about sex and relationships has been in the past. The only loving relationship I’ve ever had with a male was with a queer one who I viewed as a trophy. His values were attractive to me … but … maybe he was the exception. I kind of don’t see him as male or female but rather fluid or non binary.
Whatever the reason this is what I want to explore now. That makes it just as valid as anyone else’s choice.
PS I’m stealing this Best Western pen – It’s a PEN.
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Above I’m speaking about an ex as if I describe or proscribe their gender identity instead of them. Unable to hold the thought in my head that I had found love once in a relationship with someone of that gender and the thought that was then wanting to move in a Sapphic direction. I travelled to Cookeville that week and saw my friend Harrison Young. He came to a vigil with me where I felt publicly underdressed for probably the first time. On the lawn of the county courthouse there I saw queers and our allies allowed to come together and grieve for a moment in peace. Thankfully no ugliness showed itself. Just a night of listening to Hamilton in his bright yellow Monte Carlo and having a fantastic goddamned steak with a fantastic friend.
Queer Pandemic 