Look at us, who knew?

A year ago my ex husband’s now-boyfriend started a Facebook argument with me over whether the actors in Harry Potter could be taken to task for participating in the franchise knowing how bigoted JK Rowling is.

For years I lived in fear of being too much, of feeling the wrong thing at the wrong time. Being too cute, too funny, too likeable. Years far before I met my ex. He just played a role in a pattern I have been repeating since I was young. Just another means of self harm deployed in fear of what could happen if I didn’t constantly blow up my own spot.

But now I’m singing again because I don’t fear the jealousy of those who might overhear.

Comfortably I rest keeping in memory the firm prototype of who I am.

A radically compassionate person who sees only gain in making others happier and more comfortable. I’m remembering a time when giving to others felt selfishly like getting for myself. That old addiction to being helpful to others. Spreading joy wherever I go.

I used to be that person. I used to have so much to give and I gave it freely. Sometimes when you do that though you just meet takers. Some people in this world will never stop taking until you make them. In my case, I am thankful to have been let go. I would have never given up because I promised I wouldn’t, no matter how much it was hurting me. I had made a mistake and I had to pay for it.

That’s what I thought I deserved for choosing the wrong person to marry.

A year later I want to find out what happens now that I look forward to being awake in the morning. What happens if I just expect better? What happens if I try harder? What happens if I just take responsibility for me and let others exist of their own accord?

So many things used to make me upset. MAGA hats, rude clerks, semi truck accidents, the idea that a piece of media wasn’t morally pure enough. Strangers in the store would make me fume. Now I get it.

None of those things have ever been or will ever be as much of a threat to me as the wrong people who have gotten close to me. Republicans, internet TERFs and social trolls – nothing compared to what someone you think loves you can do. That knowledge is absolutely worth having.