Human beings like to say that we have this shared experience called love. Most of the words ever written were written trying to describe what love is and what it’s like and who can experience it and what kinds are more morally virtuous than others and what kinds are unconditional and what kinds you experience with the person at Taco Bell who always gets your order just right. Some do argue it doesn’t exist or reduce it to its lowest common denominator.
Most commonly, and many say most purely, we feel love for our families. The people who surround us when we are young are people we will bond to for life for better or worse. Consequently our estimation of our self worth is incredibly dependent on their expressed and held opinions of us. If we cannot make sense of right and wrong we can look to people we trust to tell us which direction we are heading.
And so that is why, when you tell a transgender child, or maybe specifically your transgender child, that you will never accept them as who they express themselves to be you are telling them that they must choose between the anchor the world gave their soul and getting to live the one life that was given to them. Can you survive feeling profoundly lost and empty enough to even live the life you still have? What amount of reality and truth are you willing to sacrifice to avoid that drain opening up at the bottom of your tank of self respect?
You are telling your child that you would rather know a pretend version of them than who they really are and so you are telling them who they really are is not worth knowing, not even to their family. How can we say we love someone when we only love a character they are playing for us?
Having a family member tell you they are transgender can feel very confusing and upsetting and whatever your feelings are when this happens, those feelings are valid and deserve to be examined and given space. Please be mindful of the difference between your issues and your actions towards this person you love. Find supports outside of your trans family member to learn more about the identities they’re describing. Be available to listen without trying to intervene or direct. Accept that understanding your loved one is going to require rearranging your entire paradigm around gender. If you keep your focus on knowing this person and having a loving relationship with them you’ll find your way. What is love if not deprogramming persevering?
Queer Pandemic 